Why is there bacon braided in my hair
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
