So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
