the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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