I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
