The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
