i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
