Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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