I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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