6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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