I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
