You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
false alarm, still single
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
