i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
