Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
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