If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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