It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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