Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
