Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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