OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
