i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
