Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
