if i can run in heels then i can drive
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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