My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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