i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
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She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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