Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
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I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
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And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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