I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
We smell like vodka and hangover
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