okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
