I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
