I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Randomize
