I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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