someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
