Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
