You're my little dorito
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
