Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
