ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
