I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
