How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
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My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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