I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
