hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
