Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
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I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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