I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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