I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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