So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize