My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
