Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
