So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
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Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
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Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.