In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
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Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"