Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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