he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
someone owes me an orgasm
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.