Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
