I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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