dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
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Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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