Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
