just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
