I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
