Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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