i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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