Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
