remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
